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This is one of those days when I am supposed to talk about something specific but I’m just not sure I’m feeling it. Instead I sort of want to ramble on to you, so bear with me. (leave now if you don’t want a vent session)

Lately I have been having LOTS of mixed feelings. About everything. About my job, my life, my finances, everything. I feel like I’m in a wishy-washy place and I don’t like it. I had to do yesterday’s post to remind myself of all the good that is going on in my life, because really it has a lot of good!

But the not so good things have been taking their toll lately, mostly in the currency of sleep and worry.

I have been trying really hard to get into shape and live a healthier lifestyle. I feel like I have committed pretty well. Sure I have slip ups. But I eat healthy during the week, am active 5+ days a week and have given up alcohol. I feel loads better but I’m not looking any better. I know you’re all going to say its how you feel that really counts. I agree, but I sure wish I had a little to show for it. I have weighed myself three times since I started challenging myself to get healthy and lose some weight. THREE. And all three times the scale showed the EXACT SAME WEIGHT. How is that even possible? It should fluctuate at least a lb or two in either direction just from water weight! It’s like I’m stuck. And it frustrates me. I try to put a positive spin on it in my head, “you’ve gained as much muscle as fat you’ve lost so you’re just staying at the same weight….” It doesn’t trick my brain very well. Here I am worrying about the pictures I will be in as a bridesmaid exactly one month from today. I know I won’t like what I look like. And it pains me.

That pain makes me want to do something. It makes me want to do two-a-days and eat completely clean at 1200 calories a day till that wedding. But that isn’t realistic. I know even if I put every effort forth possible that it wouldn’t happen. That too, frustrates me.

Work has also been torturous lately. I love my job some days. But most days I come to work not wanting to be here at all. I sit and spend 8 hours doing almost nothing work related. I just fill space. I know what I need to do, when it needs to be accomplished by, and I set goals for myself. Yet I still sit here doing nothing or blogging because I’ve lost the drive. I think it will kick back in. I hope it will kick back in....

Top off the insecure sundae here with financial troubles. For the first time in my life the # in my bank account is smaller than the balance on my credit cards. I know – BAD BAD BAD Laura. I’ve never been one to not pay off my cards immediately or let myself get into this situation and yet here I am. In a big shitty hole. I have a plan, which is good, but even it depresses me. I’m throwing investments away (cashing them in) to pay off the cards. And I am being good. I don’t go out to lunch. I repress my desire to buy new fall clothes and decorations. I can’t even bring myself to buy coffee.

I know it sounds completely shallow to say it, but it is depressing not being able to spend something on yourself, even a little something, to make your day better.  It hurts. I guess in a way at least it has shown me I have a spending habit that I needed to break. Does needing to buy happiness mean I lack that happiness elsewhere in my life? Apart from the above two issues I don’t want to delve too deep into my lack of happiness lately.

So here I am unable to find happiness in my fitness goals, my work or by buying pretty fall things. 

And I can’t even afford have a drink to make me feel better.

On that front at least I have found success in my Sober ‘till October challenge with Blake. Only 26 days to go!

I promise to be back to my peppy self tomorrow, because I’m seriously making myself more depressed just by talking about it… Damn to letting it slip. Happy mask goes back on tomorrow!

TTFN,