August 6, 2015

Why do I even try?

I'm a tryer. A doer. A do too mucher. Especially when it comes to relationships. Both romantic and platonic, I am a people pleaser through and through.

I feel like sometimes I try SO hard for no reason. I build and I push and I do all in my power to make someone happy.

It's almost like building a sandcastle. The person didn't ask you for a sandcastle but you think it's what they need, and what will make them happy. You just want to make them happy.

You push loads of sand, haul buckets of water across what feels like miles. You carefully mix in the water to make that sand packable, buildable. You work hard to create it, make it something they'll like. You build it up, revise, discover as you go. It takes hours every day after your usual tasks. You take some pleasure in it, because you're a doer. But ultimately it's for them. For you both.

You continue to work hard and better your castle even once it's complete. You're constantly working at it because you want that happiness in return. Is it perfect? No, but you want it to be, for them.

Then one grain of sand isn't just right for that other person.

That portion of the castle makes them mad, makes them yell. The thing you worked so hard on for them is the cause of your pain, your mistake to bare.

And the sandcastle comes crashing down.

Everything you've done, everything you've wanted for that person and worked so hard for. All that happiness you wanted to bring is thrown back in anger. You feel confused, hurt.

It was a small thing. A silly fight. But it still makes the castle and your walls come down.

No, it isn't the end of things. There's too much here to throw away on a grain of sand.

But it still hurts.

Why do I even try? Because of love.

Because this is how I love.

So I'll pick up my shovel and pail and get back to work. 

Linking up with Joey for good measure...

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  1. Ugh... relationships are so hard. I'm a doer too, and sometimes it just kills you when someone else doesn't do or appreciate the efforts. Hang in there girl!!!

  2. I'm the opposite of you in that regard, by being afraid of being too invested because I don't want to get hurt in the process. That can be sort of isolating and make it difficult to form solid relationships (both platonic and romantic). Still, I believe that we should never settle for less than what we truly want in a relationship. We should keep building castles until we find someone who is willing to help us build that damn thing back up again if it crumbles down.

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  4. I'm SUCH a people pleaser. I hate it. I wish I didn't care so much. It reminds me of Friends when Monica is trying so hard to make Rachel's mom like her and everyone calls her on it. Yep, that's me!

  5. ::HUGS:: Been there girl! I have SO been there.

  6. I am right there with you on being a people pleaser. It makes things really hard sometimes. Sending hugs!

    On a lighter note, LOVE the new design.

  7. This is really beautiful and heartbreaking. I am a people-pleaser, too, and it's so hard for us. Infuriating. Thank you for sharing this and thinking of you.

  8. I related to this completely. I am a doer, trier, people pleaser to the extreme. It's also the biggest source of my downfalls often. Because I get frustrated when I feel I'm not doing enough or what's good for others. Hugs darling, hopefully it all works out.

    P.S. - I love love love your new site! It's very you!

  9. I hope everything will be okay.

  10. What a beautifully written explanation of such a heartbreaking moment. So many people feel this way, but you put it into words so well. Kudos to you, and hoping the storm passes soon.